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bYOUtiful

I struggled with body image from an early age.  I remember in primary school, I was an ‘early developer’ and the boys would make fun of my new shape.  It was around that time that I also started shaving my legs, because I’d picked up somewhere along the line this was what I was supposed to do next.  By the time my Mum found out, I was in secondary school and had already been doing it for a year or more.  She banned me from continuing and while I did as she said, the regrowth was horrendous and I was so embarrassed by how hairy I was.  It was thick, dark, noticeable hair which was frequently and excruciatingly pointed out at school, mainly by the boys, until I managed to acquire a supply of tights from somewhere.

By this time, my bust was disproportional to my size, I’d been wearing glasses for 4 years, my face, chest and back were covered in acne and my dentist had just informed me I needed a fixed brace.  On top of which I was painfully shy, so this winning combo made me great fodder for the bullies.

Music TV was just taking off and glossy magazines had infiltrated the school circuit, so I was bombarded with super-skinny, scantily-clad women and superficial song lyrics much like the rest of girls my age.  I believe that the memo received by many teens was the same one that I got: your level of skinny determined your level of worth.

I remember that I started to obsessively weigh myself to the point where I enforced a self-imposed ban on using the scales.  I remember how I used to get called ‘fat’ by many of the boys even though, looking back, I know now that I wasn’t.  I remember school friends going on regimented fad diets when there was nothing wrong with their weight either.  I also remember how when I got to college I was no longer around a fair amount of the external negativity.  Inwardly though, my thoughts perpetuated it and I wasn’t even aware I was doing it.

At university I was diagnosed with depression.  I put on weight during this time and the depression was subsequently reinforced by how I received other people’s reactions to the weight I’d gained.

In spite of all the personal development work I’d done over the years, I was still subconsciously carrying around a lack of self-worth.  It wasn’t until I started to work on actually liking who I was that I realised that having low self-worth was closely linked to why I’d been carrying extra weight.  You see, I didn’t feel worth taking care of.  Also, I was constantly self-critical, which made it difficult for me to stick to any kind of eating and exercising plan.  On top of which, I was getting a pay-off from carrying the weight around with me:  I felt more protected from the world, which didn’t feel like a particularly safe place for someone with low self-worth to be.  This would lead to self-sabotage.  All of these things were happening on a subconscious level and it was my awareness that enabled me to change.

Last summer I felt called to create something to help others realise that it’s not so much about how you choose to slim down, it’s mainly about your mindset. I just needed to create the results myself to prove my theory. I’m not super-skinny, but I’m happy to say that I’m now a healthy weight for my height and shape!  You can check out the (cringey spare-room) selfie I shared on Instagram here! (It’s the only room I have a full-length mirror in, which is a shame because it looks like I’m in a broom cupboard.)

I decided to share my results to help others become aware of how their own level of self-worth can relate to their weight issues.  Slimming isn’t quite the drama because I’m no longer fighting myself, my inner voice offers me support and encouragement instead of criticism and name-calling.  Yes, I have off-moments and even off-days, just like everyone else does.  But as soon as I catch myself I’m able to adjust my thinking.  It sounds paradoxical but learning to like, even love, who you are now helps you to become the person you want to be.

 

Caveat: Just because I decided that I wanted to slim down (because I felt unhealthy the way I was) does not say anything about whether losing weight is right for you.  You might already be the right size for you, but if you have low self-worth you’re probably putting yourself down too often to acknowledge it.  Either about that or the various other potential body image hang-ups we all have.