Last time, I looked at the well-known phrase, ‘walk a mile in their shoes’, and the benefits of showing empathy. I also shared my belief that, in short, there is such a thing as being too empathetic: This is when it becomes difficult for you to focus on yourself because you spend most of your time focusing on other people and their predicaments. How would you know if this was happening to you? I think that on some level you would be aware of it, even if it’s not consciously. Here are the top signs you might not be spending enough time in your own shoes and might need to share some empathy with yourself.
- You’re a perpetual ‘people pleaser’: There are a few possibilities why you might over-do things trying to please others, such as seeking approval, but I will not be going into those here. If you have trouble saying “no” to people because you spend a lot of time thinking about how it will affect other people’s situations and their feelings, in detail (i.e. worrying), then you may be spending too much time out of your own shoes. How will the situation affect you? What will it cost you if you say “yes”? What will it cost you if you say “no”? What would be the benefits of saying “yes”? What would be the benefits of saying “no”? For the costs and benefits, whose favour are they in?
- You’re an ’emotion sponge’: This is where you feel like you are sensitive to other people’s emotional states and absorb them like a sponge. Several years ago, I had a counsellor that helped me work through some things. One of the areas that came up was that I could be just walking past somebody in the street and pick up a state in their body language (for example) and almost ‘feel’ their joy or pain. If it was joy, great! But often it would not be. My counsellor said it was almost like a super power how I absorbed the emotion. The problem being, unlike an actual super power, my absorbing the emotion didn’t have a significant impact on the one feeling the emotion. (If I hadn’t even interacted with them, probably none at all.)
- You struggle to find ‘me time’ on a regular basis: Do you frequently give up time for yourself in order to try to rush to the rescue of other people? Maybe you don’t even plan ‘me time’ into your routine. Is this you? You could be passing up on essential reflection time.
- You suffer from low energy or burn out easily: This can happen if you do not make time for yourself, so point 3 can easily be a gateway to 4. Another cause of this can be spending time worrying about other people’s problems. This can leave you overwhelmed, particularly if you engage in hypothetical worry (where there is a tendency to catasthrophise). If you’re feeling overwhelmed you might be less productive when it comes to focusing on your own life, which is a potential source for more worry!
- You feel responsible for fixing other people’s problems: Some people feel like it is their duty to rescue people or fix them. I have been there! This may be to do with things you picked up on as a child about how ‘virtuous’ this attribute is considered to be, others may have found themselves in a particular situation or repeated situations where it was expected (or demanded of them by the circumstances) for them to mediate or resolve problems. Throw into the mix focusing how you would feel in their shoes, and you have several intense anchors latching you onto the situation.
- You feel guilty if things are going well for you: If when things are going well for you, guilt rears its head because you spend a lot of time focusing on those in difficult, heart-wrenching situations, you may want to consider if this needs to be kept in check. Were you ever told off for not finishing your dinner when you were a child, even though you’d had sufficient to eat? “Clear you plate: there’s children starving in Africa!” This is true, there are people starving all over the world. Paul McKenna makes a very good point in I Can Make You Thin
when he says that eating all of the food on your plate when you are not hungry is not directly going to serve those who are starving in Africa. Sure, there are ways that you can help starving people, such as creating hampers from the surplus food you have at Christmas for local people in need. How is over-eating going to help those starving in Africa, though? (I understand the essence of the point is meant to be about gratitude, but that’s not the message that necessarily comes across.) Similarly, if you are filled with worries and problem-solving strategies in progress for situations that are not within your power to fix single-handedly, you might not give yourself the opportunity to truly appreciate what’s going well for you.
Do you have any signs to add that you’re not showing enough empathy towards yourself that show up for you? Let me know and comment below!