“…You never really know a man until you stand in his shoes and walk around in them.”
‘-To Kill A Mockingbird’
If you think you might be spending too much time in other people’s shoes over your own, then you might be wondering how to modify your behaviours in this area. There are a few things that are worth considering doing, but you might be more open to doing that once you have first considered this: What are the beliefs you hold that might be impacting on your current behaviours surrounding empathy?
The Oxford English Dictionary defines ’empathy’ as “the ability to understand and appreciate another person’s feelings, experience, etc.” The unrealistic expectations of society might have you thinking that there is a lot more to it than that, but if you look at the definition you will see that you these expectations are extensions based on how other people see you. Only you can truly know if you have the ability to “understand and appreciate another person’s feelings [and] experience” because it is an internal process. Perhaps if other people say that you are not empathetic based on how you acted in a certain situation, they could be lacking in empathy themselves. This is down to them, not you. Their beliefs, not yours.
Speaking of beliefs, let’s take a look at a few examples of beliefs surrounding the subject of empathy that may be restricting you. These are all beliefs that I have held in the past.
- It’s hard saying “no” to people.
- Saying “no” makes me a bad person/loses me approval/makes people think less of me.
- It would be heartless to say “no”.
- I’m the only one who can fix this/ I should be the one to fix this.
- They will think that I don’t care/understand.
- Saying “yes” means I can have a ‘quiet life’.
- It’s just the way I am.
- Self-sacrifice is virtuous/good/noble.
- There are people with greater needs than my own.
- ‘Me time’ is selfish.
- ‘Me time’ is for people who can afford luxury.
I have shared these with you to see if you recognise any in yourself. Also, your empathy is likely to be starting to show and you’re probably feeling something for the ‘old’ me that used to have these beliefs! (They weren’t necessarily conscious beliefs at the time.)
Now it’s time to look at your own beliefs. (It’s probably best to write this down so you can come face-to-face with the belief that’s in your way. It will help when it comes to examining it too.) They will probably be the ones that come up when you think about saying “no” to someone, making more time for yourself, or relinquishing responsibility for things that (realisitically) are beyond your control.
- What evidence do you have to support this belief? It’s important to think about this in order to challenge the evidence. It’s probably weaker than you might expect for you to be holding onto the belief.
- How does holding this belief make you feel?
- What is holding this belief costing you?
- How would your life look in 5 years from now if you were to keep this belief?
It’s time to replace this belief with a more positive, supportive belief. It might be difficult for your mind to accept if you switch to the opposite, so make a gradual change that you can believe because of the truth you see in it. For example, if your original belief was, “There are people with greater needs than my own.”, you wouldn’t switch to, “My needs are greater than those of others.” This probably doesn’t fit with your belief system! Try something like, “I am learning that taking care of my own needs is important [for making a valuable contribution to the world].”
- What evidence do you have to support this belief? It’s important to think about this in order to see that there have been times in your life when it has been true for you.
- How would holding this belief make you feel?
- How would holding this belief benefit you?
- How would your life look in 5 years from now if you were to hold this belief?
Which belief would you rather have? The original one or the new one?
If you find any hesitance, you might want to consider: What is the ‘pay-off’ for me holding the original belief? For example, the pay-off for believing “it’s just the way I am” might be that you don’t have to try to change anything if you believe it to be true.
Choosing to adopt the new belief? Tear up the old limiting belief! Write down the new one and put it in places you will see it on a daily basis, to reinforce it. Do this with the evidence for the new belief too, so you remember why you are adopting the new belief.
This blog post is based around Tony Robbin’s ‘table top exercise’ in Awaken The Giant Within. Credit also goes to Elaine Wilkins from The Chrysalis Effect for incorporating and adapting this exercise in her Well-Being Coaching course.
What’s your new belief? Let me know and comment below!